"All you other motherfuckers get out my business (really)." - 2Pac
It felt like my first real relationship, but definitely not my first heartbreak. I was fresh out of high school and living with my best friend in my first ever apartment, which her father jokingly referred to as our den of iniquity, and that wasn’t too far from the truth. There were parties, drinking, sex, pretty much all the things that many young women new to the world of adulthood craved.
I had been involved with a handsome young man in his 20’s for the better part of a year by this point, however infrequent our actual time together. He traveled a lot, as he was in the military, so whenever he was around, we found a way to sneak out and have sex here and there, even though I wasn't yet 18, but who's judging.
One night after settling into the vibe of apartment living, my boyfriend came over to visit, while my friend was at work. His vibe was a bit more serious on this night, and it was quickly evident that he was more into talking, less into any physical connection. I thought we would just have a nice romantic night together, but that was definitely not happening. He had come over to tell me that he was going to be traveling for a six-month tour, the last of his military career, and though it wasn’t uncommon for this long absence, I didn’t expect a full-on breakup. He did his best to convince me, and in hindsight, I’m sure he was absolutely correct.
Naturally, I was young and immature, and it really hurt to get dumped. While he was there, I teared up a little, but didn’t want to get too emotional and show him my pain because I was stronger and more resilient than that, and pride got in the way of expressing how I really felt. It was when he left that I let the tears flow, and by this time, the uncontrollable crying, the gasping to breathe crying, happened and I laid down on the couch with a box of tissues and eventually regained my composure. I decided to get spiritual and took a Bible off the bookshelf. I remember randomly flipping to passages, and this juicy verse perked me right up.
How beautiful and pleasant you are, O loved one, with all your delights! Your stature is like a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters. I say I will climb the palm tree and lay hold of its fruit. Oh may your breasts be like clusters of the vine, and the scent of your breath like apples, and your mouth like the best wine. It goes down smoothly for my beloved, gliding over lips and teeth. I am my beloved’s, and his desire is for me. ~ Song of Solomon 7:6-12
Was this what I was looking for? It seemed that this was enough motivation to pull me out of my dark despair, so I picked up all of the tear-soaked tissues and got up off of the couch. In the darkness, I found my way to the bathroom, taking a long and judgmental look at myself, reviewing every bit of beauty and every last flaw before taking a long hot shower. The water poured over me like a baptism into my newfound single status. I got myself together, feeling so renewed from this deep cleansing, I played with my hair, put on a little makeup and felt appreciative of a light summer tan and a natural sexy glow before heading into my closet. Then I found a shirt that belonged to my now ex-boyfriend. It was a white cotton pullover, quite loose with a deep cut neck and it looked good on him or me to be honest. I went back and forth trying to decide whether I should wear a camisole or bra or something underneath but decided to keep it simple and thought I was looking pretty cute. While I wasn't wearing a bra, I was wearing plenty of attitude, a little lipstick for the finishing touch and off I went to see if I could stir up any magic.
When I got in my car, I just started to drive aimlessly toward the city before deciding on a direction and was quickly en route to my friend’s café where she worked the grave shift as a waitress. I was feeling better about myself with each passing stoplight as I got closer to her workplace which was not far from where we lived.
When I arrived, I sat in my car and wondered what the heck I was doing, but by now, my full confidence along with my perky breasts were beaming, and I needed some positive reinforcement. Feeling good, looking good and nobody would have guessed that earlier that evening I was a hot mess of tears and tissues. Walking through those doors where she worked in that cute little café, I waited at the lobby inside wondering if I could see her, but I didn't, and it’s not a busy night just yet.
As my eyes are panning the restaurant, they lay upon the eyes of a very attractive cook that was behind the kitchen counter who gave me a cute smile. I quickly looked away in a coy manner and then looked back to see that he was still looking at me, then he looked away and looked back at me. Then I stepped outside of my sometimes shy character and made direct eye contact with him and mouthed the words, “I want you” with a smile and in a way that was very clear as to what I was saying. He looked around to his co-worker and back at me, pointing to himself as if asking, “Who me?” with a smile. I nodded and then noticed my friend coming toward me. She takes me to a table where we could sit down for a few minutes and talk, and I ordered a small plate so she wouldn't get in trouble.
I told her about my night and then she had to go help some customers. She came back to see how I was doing in work mode like I was just another customer, because we both needed our jobs being young and broke. Then I asked her about the cook, wondering who this cute guy was, and why she hadn’t mentioned him before. We had a little more eye contact and then she told me his name was Carlos. Knowing they’d both be working the rest of the night, this wouldn’t immediately fulfill my goal to get laid, and purge the stench of a breakup that taunted at lingering in my aura, but I eventually returned home. I'm unusually mesmerized by this guy, and replaying our little nonverbal encounter, which was enough for the time.
The next day, I asked my friend more about Carlos and convinced her that we needed to have a party, and definitely should invite him and a couple of his friends over, because I needed to know more about him. She agreed, and a few days later it was party time!
I wondered if the chemistry we had a few nights ago would be as strong when he arrived, and it was. We enjoyed talking and flirting and it wasn’t too long before he kissed me. It was a short, sweet kiss to gauge my reaction, obviously being well received, he went in for a more seductive kiss letting me know he was very interested. I definitely wanted more, and who would notice if we slipped away to my bedroom anyway.
We were hidden away in my bedroom for at least a couple of days. We did come out a couple of times to eat, drink, pee, before heading back to bed. It was unusual to say the least, and I did enjoy all of the attention, but whenever I tried to get up, he pulled me back into bed. Basically, it was hours and hours of fucking, and there was nothing like the feeling of that kind of union, and being with somebody with such strong chemistry, because this was all very new to me and I just had this intense first breakup of my adulthood, so it felt wonderful to be wanted like this.
It seemed that I may have found some answers in the Bible that night of the breakup, but I definitely found my own way of spiritual healing through this new union and passion with another man. I'm not saying this type of thing can only happen between a man and a woman, it can happen between any two souls that are drawn to each other in such a way that drives them into such entanglements and intimate engagement through sex and passion. It was the kind of thing you can only share when you're naked at close proximity with another body, heart and soul.
Was this the beginning of my spiritual path? Did I inadvertently find my way to the power of invisible energy, the power of energy healing through closeness with another being, where only physical contact and unspoken words are that which connect? The exploration of a new lover’s touch gives such a powerful sensation, that can be felt strongest with any new connection before, during, and after consummation.
There is real power in that force of energy when two people connect in such a deep level. Not to say that you can't find yourself alone and understand everything within yourself and attain that level of knowing. But when you're with someone else, it's new, unfamiliar and you're getting to know each other by exploring every aspect of each other in those early times, it's something that truly allows you to feel seen and appreciated and unashamed. In a moment, you’re loved, whatever that means, because it surely is not love in the sense of loving someone who you've known for a long time, or you love someone in a familial way. Whenever you are deep in the throes of passion, ecstasy and intimacy with another person, you can't help but feel "love" in a distinctive way.
The two of us would proceed to have an on and off again relationship, if that's what you want to call it. I would hide whenever somebody was around that didn't know about us that could have possibly been connected to his (pregnant) girlfriend. Only God can judge me, right? I accepted the circumstances because I was young, selfish, I drank to escape, and I certainly knew better, but I just didn't care. There is no way, in my mind that he had the same type of connection with her as he did with me, or so we tell ourselves, to be honest.
Fast forward all these years later and I know better, not to say that it didn't happen again, and again over the years with other foolish men, because it did. I am not proud of my behavior, but in the other situations I was generally none the wiser. Even though all of the players were older, maturity and full disclosure were often absent from the equations. Did that make it better? No, it still hurt everyone involved. Did I feel betrayed because somebody on the other side had cheated on me and not let me in on it? Absolutely. Have there been years of bad karma playing out because of my indiscretions throughout the years? Perhaps. But again, I'm older, wiser, and try not to make the same mistakes.
However, when it comes to the revenge fuck… I'm all about it! Because when you've had a difficult breakup, there is no way that comes close to the feeling of ecstasy and appreciation that you get when you've been rejected by your lover and soon find yourself in someone else’s arms, be it familiar or somebody new. I'll have to say it's best with someone familiar. There is more pleasure, more appreciation, and ultimately more satisfaction to be appreciated if you've just been rejected by somebody you believed loved and cared about you. This approach may not work for everybody, but it certainly got me through some breakups over the years.
In this reflection of my past, can I really say this is how I found my spirituality? Not necessarily, but it was a definitive turning point in my life to find a new outlet of connecting, to letting go, to surrendering, to see myself through someone else’s eyes, ears, senses… and to enjoy belonging, even if it was temporary.
I think that belonging is something that all people get with their own spiritual practice, whatever religious essence they choose to subscribe to. Because we all just want to belong, and how else can you truly be yourself and be wholeheartedly accepted, other than when you're with *your* people. You can find your people in a variety of ways, but it all starts with just being yourself, whoever you are, whatever kind of freak you are, whatever kind of normal person you are, the more acceptance you have in your life, the more support you have around you. The more free you are to show up exactly as you are, and as comfortable as you can be in your own skin, that's where the really good stuff exists. That's why people are full on changing their identities, dyeing their hair every imaginable color of the rainbow, and showing up as plain and ordinary, or as sparkly and glittery as they want to, because in the end, like 2Pac said, “Only God can judge me.”
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